Simma Down Now

Now Featuring Ball and Chain


The un-domestication of H

Another item to add to the list of things I'm not good at. Marriage.


The Domestication of H

It’s been just over two months since I’ve been married and I’m not sure how long the domestication process normally takes but I think I’m proof that humans are a superior species as I’ve become quite domesticated in this two month period. What signs of domestication have I exhibited, you wonder? Here just a few instances that adequately prove my domestication.

  • On a lazy Sunday afternoon of shopping for housewares I was beckoned to come and look at a toilet paper holder. Upon looking at the toilet paper holder, I commented, “It’s cute” and kissed and embraced Big MAC.

  • I spent a few hours in an IKEA* and nobody was murdered. I’m sure there was more kissing and embracing while looking at cheaply made, assembly required furniture.

  • I took MAC to her appointment at the vag doc and sat in a waiting room full of pregnant ladies. I think the most appalling aspect of my waiting room experience was coming to grips with the fact that all those ugly women had found someone who was willing to breed with them.

This doesn’t necessarily demonstrate my domestication but merely highlights a moment I found hilarious, but recently MAC and I were out running some errands and I became easily discouraged when one of my errands proved to be more of a hassle than I initially bargained for (after all, I am The Underachiever). Instead of persevering and seeing said errand to completion I just said “F it, I’ll take care of it another time.” It was at this point that I was privileged enough to witness the greatest dramatic performance of my life as MAC, who was quite agitated at this point, exclaimed “This speaks volumes…” in response to my inquiry of, What’s the matter?” At this point I repressed the overwhelming urge to shove her off the sidewalk and into oncoming traffic… so yeah, now that I think about it this little story does demonstrate my domestication.

* I'm not sure if the Ikea visit is a sign of domestication or just an indication that I've given up on life


Meeting The Parents

I'd like to thank Maura of One Ping Only for providing me with the lead in to this post. As you can imagine, my recent marriage and the events that led to it have only created many blog-worthy experiences and situations. I've fervently been trying to craft a worthy post that would do the experiences justice but the first paragraph (anyone who's tried to write knows the hardest part is getting going) just wasn't coming. Maura's request for an update in the comments of my previous post has at least provided me with the opportunity for this lame intro. Anyhow, enough with the jibba jabba...

I'd venture to guess that in any relationship the meeting of the family is always an event that produces at least a tinge of anxiety. It's generally not so bad when the meeting takes place when you're dating, but when the first time the parents are even aware of your existence is after you've already married their daughter it tends to kick up the anxiety just a hair. In an effort to protect the innocent I'll keep the location vague but roughly two weeks ago I flew out to a place I'll refer to as Nemphis, Senettee. Most importantly I was going in order to help my wife, who from here forward will be known as Big MAC, drive her assorted belongings (she'd erected a shrine in my honor and wanted to have it in Portland... if you knew me, you'd build me a shrine too) but in addition I was going to meet her family and put them at ease by showing them that I was a moderately normal, upstanding citizen (so I knew was going to have to lie).

I got into Nemphis at about 9 am as I'd taken a red-eye out of Portland. Initially the plan was to meet the parents that evening but at some point they canceled so Big MAC and I went to dinner. My love of getting drunk is well documented so naturally dinner included a bottle of wine. About halfway through dinner MAC gets a call from her mom requesting that I allow them to bask in the overall awesomeness of my presence. MAC agreed and I immediately made a funnel out of the menu and shot-gunned the remainder of the wine straight from the bottle. We make the venture out to her parents, on the way I chew 17 pieces of gum and tape some Maximum Strength "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" Maxi Pads under my armpits for optimum sweat absorbtion. Much to my surprise the initial meeting wasn't nearly as bad as I'd anticipated. There was some initial awkwardness, which I think was due to the unspoken but shared knowledge that 13 of the last 14 hours were spent fornicating with their daughter (it's ok we're married), but otherwise it went better than I could have ever anticipated.


Simma Down Now Ladies...

I regret to inform the women of the world that I'm no longer available to purchase you free drinks at seedy singles bars. First of all, due to tighter DEA regulations it has become increasingly difficult to secure a steady supply of Rohypnol and RU-486, the necessary ingredients to concoct my "No Nine Month Surprise" date rape pill. Secondly, and some may say more importantly, I've recently acquired a wife. It's proven to be quite different than anything else I've ever acquired. I can't treat it with antibiotics (like that gonorrhea I contracted in a Guatemalan bathroom) or sell her on eBay (although I'm sure she'd fetch a mighty high bid). The whole story of this acquisition is actually quite entertaining so I feel it's my duty to tell all my faithful reader(s) about this most exciting development.

I know the foremost question on most people's minds, especially the single women, is how did we meet. More specifically, I imagine that women everywhere are wondering to themselves... "How could I, a beautiful single woman of significant intelligence, ample bosom and amazing personality, meet a man as brilliant, good looking, rich and possessing such an amazing mane of hair as the mysterious H (the underachiever). I can sum that up in one word... the internets.

GASP... Did he say the Internet....????

Well, technically I said Internets but I'll let it slide. It all started last November with a harmless email I received via MySpace (GASP... Did he say myspace...) from a random person living nearly 2500 miles away. They were on a mission to have as many friends with the user name of "Underachiever” and requested my e-friendship. I was quite amused, although a little confused as to why someone who identified themselves as "Underachiever" would go through all the hassles associated with goal setting or accomplishing missions. Never the less I accepted their request and gave them the brief back-story of how I adopted the pseudonym of Underachiever for the purposes of writing this here blog. Well a few months went by (I'm sure she was just gathering courage to continue correspondence, as I'm quite charming which must really intimidate the ladies as they never talk to me) with nary a peep from this impostor of an Underachiever. Sometime in April she emailed again requesting the URL for the oh so funny Simma Down Now (who was she kidding, I saw right through this feeble attempt at resuming correspondence... Nobody loses the URL to this blog, I'm quite sure it was her homepage). Anyhow, in my infinite kindness I didn't call her bluff and instead just provided her with the URL. We started chatting about various crap...writing, music, my overall aura of awesomeness... you know, the usual. We emailed back and forth for a while and I found the copycat Underachiever to be quite intelligent, interesting and charming herself (She was so good and so witty I had to re-read my blog posts to make sure she wasn't just reusing my old material on me). Anyway sometime in May, I'm not sure exactly when it happened (if I had to guesstimate I'd say approximately May 19th at 2:12 am pacific time) but the discussion of an in the flesh basking in my greatness began. At roughly 2:13 am it was cemented that I would indeed grant her life's wish and allow her to meet me in person, I'm rather kind aren't I. So we decided that June 14th 2008 would be the day that she came to visit and that June 20th would be the day she would depart aka "The Worst Day of Her Life". I informed her that if we ran into anyone I knew I'd inform them that she was in fact terminally ill and part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation and that I was merely fulfilling her dying dreams. So anyway, June 14th rolls around and I charm her socks (and additionally her under garments) off. We spend much of the next 5 days in uncontrollable laughter; personally I wasn't surprised as I am heeeelarious. On the morning of June 19th I find it within myself to let her know that if she would like to extend her visit until Monday I would gladly pay for her flight home, naturally she was relieved that I would be so gracious and accepts my offer. Later that day at roughly 10:13 pm the discussion of marriage comes up. At approximately 10:14 pm our flights to Las Vegas are booked. The next day we fly to Vegas where I make her officially "The Luckiest Woman in The Entire F'ING Universe".

Sappy Subtext:
I write about this situation with humor because that's the tone of SDN and the general nature of the writing I particularly enjoy doing, but I feel it would be a disservice if I didn't also write about this with some sincerity as well. Sure, the whole thing is a bit on the unconventional side but who the hell cares. I obviously skipped over a good portion of our story, the parts where we began to know each other and become interested to see what might happen if the miles that separated us were removed. I jokingly make it seem as if I was just along for the ride and/or being kind by "letting her meet me". In reality their was a whole lot of kindness and reciprocity that was shown throughout our communication and I feel fortunate that she was willing to not let fear keep her from making decisions that a lot of people would not have the courage to make. It's been interesting over the last week, as people have gradually found out about this development. I've been surprised at the amount of support I've received or the comments regarding how this has been a catalyst for others to question whether they are "seizing the day" or "living with passion". I fully expected there to be a backlash of negativity and general un-acceptance to the situation but surprisingly it has been minimal to non-existent (at least to my face). Truthfully it doesn't matter what others think of the situation as it's not their life and I've received support from the people who know me best. I don't want to alarm the SDN reader(s), the "Sappy Subtext" isn't a feature that is going to be regularly added to posts but at this point a good amount of the readers are people I know personally, one of which is my new wife, and I'm not ashamed of any of this and am very happy and proud to be married to her. If it helps to end this subtext in true, superficial Simma Down Now fashion let me tell you that she's drop dead gorgeous. Additionally, big breasts.



Lifes Simple Pleasures... Yes again

I don't know how I've possibly failed to mention this during the span of Simma Down Now... I suppose the updates have ebbed and flowed, sometimes going nearly a year with nary an update but that's not much of a reason for an omission so large. Anyway, it seems that there are two kinds of people in this great world... Those that enjoy Miracle Whip and those that are f'ing retards. I have tasted mayonnaise, many different brands and or varieties in fact and they all taste terrible. Pesto mayo, cajun mayo, whatever random mayo... all attempts to put a pretty dress on an ugly girl and pretend she still isn't ugly (depending on the dress I still might do her but that's not the point of this post). I recently purchased a food processor and it came with a little recipe book. Said recipe book included a recipe for homemade mayonnaise and I wasn't at all surprised when the recipe called for two medium size dog turds and one tablespoon vomit. I'm always disappointed when I go someplace and order a sandwich as they never have any of the delicious Whip and I have to settle for mayo. I know they secretly have a stockpile of Whip in the back and those bastards just don't want to share it. Finally, you may notice I refer to it as Whip. I find the term Miracle Whip to be unnecessary; as once you've tasted it you know it's a Miracle.



Lifes Simple Pleasures Cont..

There has been much on my mind lately, namely, the aforementioned side boob I waxed poetic about in my previous post. It has been over a week since I caught that precious glimpse (truthfully it was more than a glimpse, I gave the side boob the kind of stare that would burn out my retinas if it had been the sun) of flesh while lifting weights at the gym but it has weighed heavy on my brain... the kind of unconventional yet significant experience that dominates your thoughts. Unfortunately the side boob gym experience seems to have really ruined my ability to go the gym as I haven't been back since. What if I go and there's nary a glance of side boob to be had? What then? You can't go from side boob to no side boob. Additionally, now that I've seen side boob it's going to be tough to work out considering I'm revamping my gym wardrobe with a variety of trench coats and ski masks.



A Little Catch Up

Oh faithful blog reader(s), I'm sorry I've left you in a lurch for so long without any updates regarding what is going on in the often-pathetic life of the Underachiever. Even though the campaign season is in full swing I'm not gonna fill your head(s) with promises that I may fail to fulfill, such as I'll keep the ol' blog up to date or that you'll even laugh at what I have to say. I can promise that you'll at least feel better about your own life after getting another glimpse into mine. So, where to start... here's just a little timeline of some of the funny/amusing crap that I've done or that's happened to me over the last few months...

Dec 2007
- I was elbowed in the face playing basketball and my teeth went straight through my upper lip. If this is on your list of things to do before you die I'd recommend crossing it off. I've done it twice in my life and neither experience was enjoyable.
- On the day of Christmas Eve I wrecked my car that I'd had ownership of for less than 1 month. Fortunately it wasn't totaled. I think the car accident was karma for lying to the dealership about the car I'd traded in. I'd told them that it had never been in an accident when in fact there was more than $13,000 worth of repairs done to the vehicle in Nov of 2005.
- Two days after Christmas I finally sac'ed up and ended my relationship with my then girlfriend... (Cue Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust"). Had I found my sac a few days earlier I could have saved some scratch on Christmas gifts. The relationship had really been over for ages at this point so ending it was really the biggest favor I could do for the poor girl. Trust me, she's a lot happier now.

Jan 2008
- I rang in the New Year by making out with a new girl. Good times and a good start to the year if you ask me.
- I pay off the final debt that I had accumulated in the fabled summer of '06 where I lived the rock and roll lifestyle... minus the rock and roll income.
- I have LASIK eye surgery. I was nervous when the Dr asked to say a prayer prior to the surgery. I wanted to warn him that god in fact hates me and he will probably cause the laser to malfunction and burn my retinas out once he finds out whom this prayer is for. It turns out God must have been on vacation because the surgery went well and my vision is amazing.
- I go to a poker night and lose money. The night wasn't a complete waste though, as the night progressed poker gave way to poke her as I received a random "Hey what are you up to... phone call" from a girl I "dated" in the aforementioned summer of '06. It's really a great story, as I was also on call for work and that evening at the bar I accidentally left the cell phone in the booth. Thankfully no one tried to call me and all was well.
- I get a super nasty infection in one of my fingers which becomes an abscess. It turns out to be one of the most painful experiences ever when I have to go to the doctor and get it drained. I consider it karma for having but said finger in the vagina of that girl on "Poke Her Night". I only hope that I don't have similar results with everything I put in her that evening.
- I start hanging out with New Years Eve Makeout Girl here and there. I find that I enjoy her company even without my tongue down her throat.
- I begin looking for a house.

Feb 2008
- I find a townhouse that I like and is in my price range and make an offer. My offer is accepted, it really seems like 2008 is shaping up to be "The Year of The Underachiever". I reference the Chinese calendar, which says it's the year of the rat. I later find out that there is no "Year of the Underachiever" on the Chinese calendar. F'in commies.
- My house appraisal comes back below what I offered and I have to take a loan out to foot the difference.
- I continue hanging out with New Years Eve Makeout Girl. Turns out she is...
-Down to earth
-Seems to have her crap together.... all of which are good qualities.

Mar 2008
- I move into my house. In the process I totally destroy my back and was nearly bed ridden for two days. Don't worry my back is better now.
- Trying to prepare myself a delicious chicken burger at work I stab myself in the hand with a kitchen knife roughly the size of a samurai sword. I bleed profusely and have to go the emergency room. I get my hand stitched up at an emergency room that could have easily doubled as a morgue as nearly everyone else in there sounded like they were a few breaths from death. The good news is they had to numb my hand to stitch me up. The numb hand really lends itself to some enjoyable self-gratification. I've since investigated the possibilities of me obtaining the numbing medication and syringes on the Internet, but alas, the FDA is really trying to keep me from enjoying my life.

Apr 2008
- Ahhh, New Years Eve Makeout Girl... lets review, she's...
-Down to earth
-Seems to have her crap together.... all of which are good qualities. On top of this, she has absolutely zero interest in me, so we can add "good decision making" and "excellent judge of character” to her list of positive qualities. I'm not exactly sure what happened but she went from Hotsie Totsie to Hotsie Notsie in the blink of an eye. I've since given up on understanding what happened and decided it's easier to not care!
- I go out and watch my friend’s band and proceed to partake in what I like to call Apocalypse Drinking and get "shit housed"*. On the ride home I decide it will be a good idea to tell one of my best friends wives that I'd be willing to do ten years in the "slam hole"* if I could touch her sisters breasts with my tongue. In my defense, they are spectacular and most men would probably be willing to do a little time in the slam hole in an effort to get their hands and/or tongue on them. I get home and go to bed around 1 am and get up at 8 am because I have a softball tournament that weekend. Apparently in my drunken stupor I ate a box of granola bars on my stairs as I found the evidence (empty wrappers, box and crumbs) all over my stairs when I woke up. In addition, apparently I puked the bed as the evidence (a bunch of barf) was in my bed.

Well folks, there you have it. That's what the underachiever has been up to as of late. Perhaps I'll keep this thing updated, perhaps I won't... We'll see.

*shit housed- really drunk

*slam-hole- I invented this term in my drunken stupor and it has multiple meanings. In the sentence "I'd be willing to do ten years in the slam hole" it means jail/prison. It can also mean vagina. Feel free to use this term at your own discretion but be prepared for hilarity to ensue.